Beat Your Heart Out Redux
by Hans Maulwurf
Summary: One-shot, Post 12x23
_'Dear God, I need your guidance. I kissed a Peds Surgeon.'_

* * *

It was raining in Seattle. The apartment was dark and quite. Her eyes were hurting, dry from all the tears she had shed.

It had been an emotional draining day for her. How did her life spiral so out of control, when all she craved was some stability and some happiness. What had she been thinking? Maybe she hadn't been thinking at all.

"I...", the other person began. "I'm sorry. Look we can make this work. We spend the summer holidays with her, Christmas and you can visit her on her birthday. I know it will be tough, but there is nothing we can do. Everything is going to work out once we are in New York. You'll see."

Callie looked at Penny. Penny was perfect, she reminded her a little bit of George. She was sweet and sometimes a little shy. Really easy to fall in love with. In Theory, the perfect partner for her.

Callie closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

"I can't.", she simply said.

Penny walked over to her. "You can't what?"

"I can't just leave Seattle and leave Sofia behind."

They both looked at the floor as if the answer could be found there.

"We can do long distance for a year. We call each other and you can come visit me." Penny said softly.

There was an awkward silence and maybe both knew what was coming next.

"It's not going to work."

Penny came even closer and pleadingly said: "We can. You love me. You said you love me and I love you. There is nothing we can't do. It's just a year."

Callie's head was spinning. She needed to rip the band-aid off and she needed to do it quickly.

"You are so amazing Penny. You are sweet and caring. You were so supportive and understanding through all of this. You will make someone really happy one day."

Penny wanted to protest, she wasn't ready to hear this.

"I'm impulsive. I go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. And I don't know why I do this all the time. But this time, I hurt everyone around me. I hurt my friends and my family. I can't just go to New York and hope they'll forgive me."

Penny's face turned red and she silently started crying.

"Why can't we work something out, Callie? Make me understand. You said you loved me!"

Callie slowly shook her head. How was she supposed to explain the chaos in her head and heart, when she herself could barely figure it out.

"I know what I said. And I do. I love you Penny." Callie knows it's time to voice the one thing she had tried to bury for years now. A truth that terrifies her so deeply that even her closest friends don't know it.

"Bailey asked me, when I see Sofia playing with a ball and I fantasies about the future, her scoring a goal in the Women's World Cup Final and everyone is chanting her name...she asked me: Who do I see cheering beside me."

Penny finally understood and nodded slowly: "And that person wasn't me... you knew it wasn't me and you still did all of this. Why?"

Suddenly Penny realized, what she should have asked maybe earlier. Something she dreaded to ask.

"Did you see someone there?"

Callie's heart started to beat wildly. When Bailey had asked her the question, she had feared that day, that her eyes would betray her. But the truth had a way of clawing itself out of this whole it was buried in. And frankly, Callie was tired of lying to everyone, especially herself.

"Yes." The answer was so simple, yet complicated at the same time.

Penny picked up her purse from the floor and started to walk towards the door. Callie followed her.

"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to hurt you."

Penny suddenly stood still and turned around. "You didn't mean to? Callie, you were ready to move in with me and your daughter in New York. Away from your friends. And now you tell me, you see your future with someone else? What kind of game are you exactly playing?"

Callie touched Penny's arm, but the red headed woman shrugged her off. "Please don't touch me. Please don't call me. Just, figure it out, whatever is going on in your life. Just never call me again."

Callie heard the front door shut. She leaned against the Wall and slowly slid down on to the floor. She closed her eyes again.

* * *

 **One week later**

* * *

The first week had been hard. Everyone seemed to avoid her. Which was fine. She kept herself busy with work. The only highlight of her day was picking up Sofia and spending time with her daughter.

She could already hear the gossip spreading around. After the third day everyone already knew that she and Penny had broken up.

On the 7th day, she sat again alone in the cafeteria and ate in silence, when someone joined her. She nearly choked on her drink, when she saw her ex-wife sitting down.

"Hey, long day?"

Callie looked around. "Yeah, kind of."

"I heard the weather will be good tomorrow, maybe you should go with Sofia to the park. Maybe eat some Ice Cream." Arizona seemed normal, like nothing had happened between them. Which was irritating Callie. How could she be so calm and collected, after everything that had happened.

"What do you want Arizona?" She didn't mean to sound harsh, but Callie was in no mood for small talk.

"I was hungry and I saw you and you were eating alone...again" Arizona looked at her food. "We are stuck together, no matter what we do. We have a child together, we work at the same place. Lets try to get past this weird stage as fast as possible, okay?"

"Oh so you are sitting here, because you feel pity for me? I don't need your pity Arizona. You won, okay?"

Arizona's tone shifted from neutral to angry: "That was no victory. I never wanted any of this. No one won anything."

Callie leaned back in her chair and looked at Arizona. "Well at least people are still talking to you. Everyone hates me."

Arizona shrugged her shoulders. "So what. They are our friends. We all do stupid things and forgive each other. They love you Callie, they'll come around."

"And you have just forgiven me for trying to leave with Sofia without talking to you first?"

"Oh, no. I'm still really pissed about that. But we are family, we will always be family, because of Sofia. We have been through so much together and we always forgive each other. That's what family does. "

"Fine", answered Callie shortly and continued to eat. She didn't feel like she wanted to argue that point.

Arizona nodded slowly. "So. The other day Sofia told me..."

* * *

 **Two weeks later**

* * *

Everything was going back to normal. It was still weird to see Penny in the hallways of the hospital, but Callie managed to avoid her for the most part.

Arizona would often ask the same question: ' _Why did you break up with Penny? Long distance relationships can work_.'

She swore, if Arizona would ask that question one more time, she feared she would lose it. Which would raise even more questions from her ex-wife. Questions she wasn't ready to answer yet.

Arizona had also picked up that their break-up was weird and uncomfortable, because of the custody battle. Callie was in a bad mood for weeks now. She was only the shadow of herself and Arizona thought it was, because she was still in love with Penny.

One day, Arizona spotted Penny sitting in front of a computer. She couldn't hold it back any longer. Once again, it wasn't her place, but it felt like the right thing to do.

"Dr. Blake." Penny looked at her with a neutral expression, but not unfriendly answered:"Dr. Robbins."

"I know it's non of my business." Arizona stepped carefully closer.

"You can make long distance work. I know, when I was younger I was not a fan of it. I didn't believe in long distance. But after everything that happened to me, that seems like a tiny hurdle for a relationship to go through. You know."

Penny looked confused: "Yeah. I suggested long distance to Callie. I know."

Arizona felt confused: "Sorry, I thought... It's just, Callie is so sad and she really loves you. I know that whole thing with Sofia was awkward for you, but maybe you could talk to her. Maybe you can work things out before you leave for New York."

Penny typed something on the keyboard and then slowly stood up.

"Callie is not only a liar, she is also a coward. And you are right, this is non of your business. If there is nothing else, I have to prep for Surgery."

Arizona titled her had and narrowed her eyes. She watched as Penny left the room, but couldn't shake the feeling that she was missing something.

* * *

 **OR 3**

* * *

Arizona dreaded this. She had done it again. Got stuck in the middle of things. "Hey."

Callie looked at her as she was scrubbing out.

"Hey. I haven't seen you all day. Working on anything good?"

"I think I did something... again."

Callie looked up. "What did you do? Don't tell me you spilled another secret. You need a filter, honey."

Arizona was fiddling with her hands. They were friendly again and she didn't want to lose this comfortable banter between them so quickly.

"I talked to Penny."

Callie stared at her. She looked scared, which confused Arizona. Why was Callie scared that she had a conversation with Dr. Blake. That was interesting.

"Oh?" Callie sounded weird, like she wanted to sound nonchalant in a very desperate kind of way.

"I'm just going to throw it out there and then you can tell me to shut up, forever. If you really love Penny, you should try to make it work. Don't throw away a good thing. I mean you obviously love her, you have been in a bad mood for weeks since you two broke up..."

Callie took of her scrub-cap. "This is the last time we talk about this. Penny and I will never get back together, okay? I'm not mopey, because of that. I told her that I'm in love with someone else, okay? There is no way Penny and I are ever going to work out. So please stop."

Arizona slowly nodded. "In love with whom? How did you meet him or her? Why didn't you tell me, you were dating someone else?"

"Stop it. Okay? It's not important, this person doesn't love me that way. Just let me be. Please. Lets have boundaries here. I don't need my ex-wife involved in my love life, okay?"

"Right. I'm going to shut up."

Arizona left Callie alone and Callie hoped that Arizona's 20 questions would end now. Of course they kept each other informed about their private life, but this? This was nothing she could easily talk about to anyone, especially Arizona.

Or maybe there was someone.

* * *

 **Bathroom**

* * *

Callie saw Bailey walking into the bathroom and with a bit of luck, she could catch the busy Chief of Surgery and talk to her. She needed to talk about this. She didn't even know how she could have kept this secret for so long.

Maybe because no one was talking to her and then after they had started talking to her again, she had never brought it up.

It would sound pathetic and ridiculous. Especially after the custody battle.

Callie crouched from stall to stall to see if anyone of them were occupied. Satisfied that she only saw Bailey's legs, she was ready to bring her secret into the light.

"Bailey?"

"Yeah." came the muffled answer from the other side of the door.

"I need to talk to you."

"Now? I'm kind of busy here Torres."

Callie started nervously walking around. As long as it had been her secret, she could pretend that nothing was going on. But as soon as she would give voice to her desires, it would be out there. Out there for Bailey to judge and maybe tell her how crazy she was.

"I need to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone else."

She heard the toilet flush.

"Fine, you have 5 minutes. I have things to do."

Bailey washed her hands and Callie stared at her. She knew the words in her mind, but she couldn't bring them to leave her lips.

"So what is it. You have 4 more minutes. When I tell you I'm busy, I am busy."

"I'm... I'm in love."

Bailey narrowed her eyes. "Wait, you're not telling me that you love Blake and still want to run away to New York with her. Should I explain to you again how silly that is?"

Callie leaned back against the counter.

"No. Penny and me are over. But with everything that has happened. I finally know now, who I want to grow old with."

Bailey wanted to answer with a snarky remark, but then she noticed that Callie was crying.

"Oh. Torres. That's not a bad thing, being in love. You just need to tell her. Or him. And then you see where it goes."

Callie shook her head. "It's over. I finally know who I want to grow old with and she doesn't love me anymore."

Bailey took a step back. "What are you exactly saying?"

But Callie couldn't talk, her crying became more desperate.

Bailey walked over to one stall. "Sit down and take a deep breath."

Callie sat on one of the toilets and used the toilet paper to dry her tears.

"Now tell me what's going on."

Callie took a deep breath and mustered all the courage she had left.

"I broke up with Penny, because I finally know who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's Arizona, Bailey. It's always going to be Arizona."

Bailey was speechless, so she waited until the younger woman calmed down.

"So you and Robbins. How do you know she doesn't have feelings for you. Maybe..."

But Callie interrupted her: "She tried today to get me back together with Penny. It's obvious that she is so over me. I left the love of my life and now I have to die old and alone."

"Callie. If you are sure about this, you have to tell her!"

Callie shook her head. "Are you out of your mind? We are friendly again. We talk to each other. She will think I have lost my mind. That she is some kind of rebound."

"She won't think you're crazy." Bailey tried to sound convincing. "Just give me a moment. I try to cancel a meeting and then we talk this through."

Callie heard the door open and shut again. She looked around and thought: ' _When in Rome_ '... she closed the stall and pulled her pants down. Then she heard the door open again. Bailey had returned.

"So what would I even say to her: I'm sorry for the whole thing I put you through this past month, but the truth is I'm still in love with you..."

Bailey didn't say a word, so she continued.

"I mean. You go on dates, finally find this wonderful woman, who would do anything for you. And then after you put your friends on the spot and go through a custody battle for your daughter... you end up realizing that your ex-wife is the only person you have ever truly loved. I'm the most pathetic woman in the entire world!"

She cleaned herself up and flushed the toilet. She opened the stall and stood in front of Arizona.

Blood drained from her face and then she felt her cheeks turn red in utter embarrassment.

She was unable to read Arizona's face. The blond woman titled her head and Callie knew that her ex-wife was trying to control her emotions.

Callie wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole, but nothing happened.

"Is that true? What you just said."

Callie could feel her pulse pumping through her aorta. There was no point of denying what she had said. So she decided to get it over with. Maybe, if Arizona would gently tell her that there was no chance that they would ever be more than just co-workers and co-parents. Maybe then she could finally be able to move on.

"Kind of... yes." Callie said like a frightened child. Now it was out there, there was no turning back.

"Why did you... I mean. How can you want to leave and take Sofia with you, if you love me. Callie!"

Guilt swept over her like a cold shower.

"What were you thinking Callie. Where you thinking at all?" The question she had asked herself, too.

"I don't know. I don't know why I'm always doing this. I'm sorry, okay? I kind of got swept away by my feelings and before I realized what was happening, you already had contacted a lawyer and then it all escalated."

Arizona shook her head: "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the fact that you date Penny and then confess to an empty bathroom that I'm the only person you have ever truly loved. That is a very loaded statement for a bathroom."

There it was again, the feeling of humiliation. She hated that feeling. She had felt it, when George had cheated, when Erica had left her and when Arizona had cheated. She wanted nothing more to escape that feeling.

"Just forget I said anything. Alright? This never happened. Lets just ignore this and pretend it is just one more thing Callie totally screwed up. I'm pathetic, okay? I know that. Just please keep it to yourself."

Callie wanted to leave, run away, hide in her apartment and drink a whole bottle of tequila. She just wanted this day to end.

But a small pale hand on her forearm stopped her.

"If you are pathetic, then I'm pathetic, too." Callie's eyes widened, what exactly did Arizona mean with that.

"I love you, too. I will always love you."

Callie had to take a deep breath, she hadn't even dared or hoped to go there. Because Arizona telling her that there was still a chance for them, was the really scary part.

"Then why did you try to get me back together with Penny? Why didn't you say something?"

Arizona shrugged her shoulders. "What was I supposed to do. You wanted the divorce, because I was suffocating you. And after the cheating and everything we've been through, I just wanted you to be happy. That's everything I ever wanted for you. Do you think it was fun, watching you date other people? I thought Penny, was the one for you, it seemed that way..."

Callie was speechless. She had been through hell for a couple of weeks now, after realizing that the woman she loved had been in front of her all along. It had been weeks of pure torture.

But she had gone through hell for years. Arizona had known, but had kept silent for Callie's happiness.

"I just wanted you to come back to me for a very long time. And when you met Penny, I thought there was no chance for us anymore. That's why I started going out myself. I thought it was pathetic to wait while you found someone else."

Callie took a deep breath. It was mind-blowing for her, how her life had completely changed, just because she had entered this bathroom.

"What are we going to do now?" Callie asked softly and before she could think, Arizona was stepping closer to her. And as soon as their lips softly touched, it felt like coming home.

* * *

 **5 minutes later**

* * *

Bailey entered the bathroom again. She had managed to pros-pone the meeting for an hour. She usually hated getting involved in personal affairs, but Callie had looked so hopeless and alone.

"Okay. We have one hour to talk about this and then we let it go. Alright?"

"Go away Bailey." was the muffled answer from one of the bathroom stalls.

"Go away? I just canceled a very important meeting for you Torres. So you better come out of there or I'm coming in!"

"No!" Callie sounded panicked and a bit out of breath. "I need a couple of minutes. Can you go and please get me a coffee? I really need a coffee right now."

Bailey felt anger flooding her brain. "I'm not your errand girl, you get out of there and get the coffee yourself. I can't believe I canceled my meeting for this."

"Oww." Bailey could hear something moving on the other side of the door and she slowly became irritated.

"Torres." she knocked against the bathroom stall. "Open the door!"

Bailey crouched down on one knee and tried to figure out, what exactly Callie was doing in there, when she spotted 2 pairs of legs.

One of the pair had familiar thick black boots on. She could recognize them anywhere.

She knew she should be scolding them, but on the other hand, if she was correct... she couldn't be happier for her friends.

"Dr. Robbins."

"Dr. Bailey.", came the shy answer back.

"I'm going to leave now.", came her short answer, but before she left, she add: "Really? In a bathroom? In a hospital bathroom?"

Inside the stall Callie and Arizona looked at each other. Then Arizona slapped Callie's arm.

"Why didn't you tell me that Bailey was coming back any minute now?"

"I forgot. I'm sorry. And she wasn't even really angry."

Arizona opened the stall and they slowly walked outside. "We need to talk about this."

Callie nodded. "I know. We will talk. How about you come over tonight and the three of us eat some Pizza, watch a movie. And when our little miss munchkin goes to bed, we can have that talk."

"Alright. I'll be there after my shift."

* * *

 **Chief of Surgery Office**

* * *

Bailey had one hour to kill. She could get rid of some paperwork in an hour, but for some reason she picked up her smart-phone and dialed Ben's number.

If those two could work it out, so could they.


End file.
